Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Writing Product Descriptions...

The Mercenary has been writing product descriptions. Trying to do so with a straight face is difficult. As perhaps the ramblings on this blog has made clear, the Mercenary is painfully aware of her limitations and pretentions. Affectation and advertisement is all well and good but it frequently sits uncomfortably on the lips of the Mercenary, who is very aware she is by no means selling you a flawless product. (I am, however, selling clothing that I am happy to wear myself, that I believe to be reasonably attractive. That are, to the best of my knowledge, durable and easy to care for.)

I don't know who in the world buys things described on ebay as "stunning" or feels that this one word can rescue their item from the abyss. I don't know who in the world is fooled by terms like "faux" instead of "fake", but the designer believes that this makes a difference. I am probably too self-conscious about treading the line between sound a little bit better and sounding utterly ridiculous.

I start imagining the voice on the Marks and Spencer adverts reading out product descriptions in a syrupy, self-consciously titillating voice (with music that verges on that of porn soundtracks)....

The firebird cloak, ideal for fire mages, fire elementals, phoenix-shapeshifters, feisty pyromaniac heroines, fire-themed characters and people-who-are-on-fire.
This cloak reflects light from the red portion of the visible spectrum and absorbs all other known frequencies of light. It is amply able to prevent nudity and hypothermia in a not unattractive manner!
This cloak is made of a substance known to the ancient Chinese, but lined with one that is completely alien to them. It will probably not develop an aversion to your washing machine if you wash it at low temperatures.

The black cloak of black darkness, a veritable cloak of shadows that will encircle the wearer in a thick layer of wool known to absorb all visible frequencies of lightlight, creating a shifting void of colour! It projects and aura of darkness and is lined in a surprisingly regal shade of purple that was once reserved for only the Emperors of Rome. Whilst it would be ideal for poncy vampires and gothic heroines, it can - through the miraculous attributes of the physical world -  be also worn by cheerful halflings and angry dwarves.

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